It’s about time. The world has long awaited the 183rd Imperial Edition of the 27-volume magnum opus of knowledge known to mankind. Generously sponsored by the Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel Center for Knowledge Studies (coming soon to a town near you!), the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on subject experts have come to fruition in this classically bound beautiful work of reference that is far too difficult for the likes of you, even in this abridged one-volume form. The fact that its introduction was written by T. Herman Zweibel from the iron lung that has kept him alive since 1868 is enough to demonstrate its worth. That he transmitted it from his spaceship should be proof that this superior product ought not be used by mere mortals.
Therefore, I, as one of the uniquely qualified superhumans capable of synthesizing the pangorgian content, will give some clues as to the knowledge to be found in this book in order to encourage you to strive to meet this task:
- What is the most dangerous object known to man? (Essential information if you are to survive as long as the Great Man himself, which is unlikely)
- Why Franklin Pierce is the most important and precedent-setting President of the United States (is the proximity of his death to the birth of T. Herman Zweibel coincidental? The editors don’t say, but I have my suspicions)
- Which aspect of human life peaks at birth and steadily declines thereafter (except in T. Herman Zweibel’s case)
- Who Hop Sing was, and when he bought it (T. Herman Zweibel has an alibi: he was unconscious due to a near-overdose of Crawford’s Soothing Syrup given to him by his robot butler)
What makes the 183rd Imperial Edition stand out is the extreme care with which the editors have precisely defined each entry’s numerical value to the eighth significant digit to ensure absolute accuracy in ordering. That care has been extended to the calculation of page enumeration, which is guided by a rigorous mathematical formula necessary for lesser users to comprehend their exact location in the tome. Between the two, the user is precisely guided directly to the entries of interest, which will then fill a gap in his or her pathetic life.
Unfortunately, those lesser users will have a price to pay to obtain this known knowledge, and not only in dedicating their lives to the study of language, medicine, theology, marketing, and the laws concerning statutory rape. While the Zweibel Center has underwritten the research costs, the actual production of the book carries additional burdens which the reader rightfully, according to the immutable laws of capitalism, ought to bear himself. If not, taxpayer-sponsored law enforcement will be used to collect it. To streamline the process, I am personally collecting the required 15,664.43 Seychellois rupees ($1,200.00) per copy, and forwarding the amount due to the Zweibel Center.
LATE BREAKING UPDATE: I have just been informed that despite my formidabulary achievements, the Zweibel Center has withdrawn my eligibility to own this piece of junk due to my Irish heritage. Hey Zweibel: I hope you run out of Crawford’s Soothing Syrup before you reach Mars!
In spite of everything, you can check the WRL catalog for The Onion Book of Known Knowledge